BMX Basics

I hate going to the movies. I mean, I hate going to the movies. Many years ago, when the VCR became commonly available, (I was one of the first members of the short-lived "Pia Zadora's Video Connection" chain of video rental shops, if you must know) I was absolutely struck by the logic of it. Why would anyone want to go to a movie theater to see a movie, when they could see it right at home, at a convenient time, with a select group of people?

Some people like watching movies with a large group of people. Not me. Half of them smell, half of them are talking, and a third half of them (yeah, yeah, I know) aren't even making an effort to keep their infants from screaming. So you'll excuse me if I don't run off to the theater at every opportunity, particularly since I have my ownn, erm, "home theater". This is the point where Big Nick Pearson, who has two, count 'em, two, subwoofers in his home theater, one for the front and one for the back, is laughing at me. Well, go ahead and laugh, Big Nick. Also, I should probably mention that Big Nick beat me at the King Island gong-banging thing, and beat me again at the baseball throwing machine. However, I have a full living room set of Herman Miller furniture, and Big Nick DOES NOT. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

But I digress. What I'm trying to put across here is that I don't like theaters. Nevertheless, I did go to the movies with my Mom a little bit ago, to see "Gladiator".

If you haven't seen "Gladiator", I'd recommend that you do so. It's a great movie in an era where movies are seldom great. It also teaches you a little bit about the Roman Empire, maybe enough to learn more (in which case Ivar Lissner's "The Caesars" is a nice start).

The Romans were pretty sharp people, and they were very good at taking countries they had conquered by brutal military force and making those countries a near-seamless part of the Roman Empire. One of the ways this was accomplished was by never, ever, disturbing the religions of the people they conquered. Remember that part in the Bible, where Pontius Pilate really, really, doesn't want to get involved in the sentencing of Christ, but does condemn him once the Pharisees start talking about their religion? There's a good example.

The Romans supported the mythologies and religions of their subject people because, for the Romans, it was "all about the Benjamins", to coin a phrase, ha ha. The Romans wanted tax money, not religious observance. They knew that paying lip service to religion would help them get paid.

Alas, the same is true for the people who edit the color BMX magazines. In their fevered quest for your money, they know that it's best to avoid destroying your "myths", those cherished ideas about BMX that you don't want to let go of. Lame products are reviewed with a smile because they don't want to upset the manufacturers, and the owners, of those bikes. Riders who disgrace the sport are spoken of favorably, just in case those riders have friends out there. The most bubbleheaded moves of Tedesco and the ABA cartel are related with implicit approval, because those people are too important to upset. In the end, SNAP! and the others collect your money, and the advertisers' money, and nobody is offended.

Compared to these chowderheads, I'm a veritable Moses, smashing the golden calf of mythology before your (and their) very eyes. Yes, I know I'm waxing a bit Biblical. Please forgive me. So, as I stride down the mountain this morning, what should I destroy? To keep this column from being too log, since we all worship the god of brevity, I shall destroy but a few of your cherished Golden Calves, the ideas that simply aren't true but are yet repeated endlessly and approvingly by everyone else...

• The radder the track, the better the race. Nope! BMX isn't a solo time trial, it's a competitive endeavor. The more you have to focus on today's monster sections, the less time you have to run your enemies off the berm, cut over on them in mid-air, or put your elbow in their stomachs. The rhythm sections that end today's tracks are disgraceful. How many of you can remember the old last straights, which were completely empty and forced us all to sprint, choking, puking, and shoving, to the finish line? Remember how close races used to be? Today, the scores can write the names down between riders, not just the numbers. Who made these changes? Weak-legged trail riders, that's who. Today's tracks are being designed by people who never took a hill sprint in their lives. Maybe that's why modern races look like a follow-the-leader trail ride.

• Clips help you win. Wrong again! Clips are a crutch for people who can't keep their feet on. There's been a lot of hullabaloo made lately about all the Pros who are going to clipless pedals. Let me tell you, a lot of these same riders were using Answer ProForx a few years back. It's all a fad. In this case, it's a dangerous fad, one that can destroy the ligaments in your knees and ankles. Don't do it.

• The sanctioning bodies aren't stealing from us. Oh yes, they are. Six-figure salaries are being pulled down by people who can't run a crab race, much less a National program. Local tracks close for the lack of five hundred dollars while the NBL and ABA purchase new vans to tool around in. "Parade laps" offer factory riders a chance to warm up on the track while you and I sweat in practice, packed in like hogs before the slaughter. Announcers whose bearing and diction mark them as recent escapees from trailer parks are paid massive travel subsidies while former pro riders with clear voices and experience in the sport are turned away from the announcers' tower. (Not me, by the way - I've had my fill of announcing) Rider interest at the local level is already waning, and the sanctioning bodies are holding massive parties disguised as meetings. I could go on, but you get the picture.

• The new aluminum frames are safer. Bzzt!. Nobody has yet found a way to change lead into gold, and they haven't found a way to give aluminum the tensile characteristics of steel. Aluminum frames are cheap to make and sell for big bucks. Understand that, and stay away from them. I need every reader I can get, and if you are in the hospital having your jaw restructured, you are not reading this column!

• Anyone who criticizes what is happening in the sport is just "jealous." This is perhaps the most subtle lie, the one that gives credibility to the others. The sport needs sound criticism, and jealousy doesn't play a part. Not all of us want to be Pros, or sanctioning body presidents, or color mag editors. Some of us just want to ride our bikes. Others, like me, want to ride our bikes and write insufferably pompous Web columns. Is that so bad?

Can I singlehandedly destroy the BMX mythology and bring us into an age of reason, enlightenment, and all that other good stuff? Probably not, but if I reach one person, that person can reach someone else, and so on. Take a look around. What in our sport is true, and what is myth? It can be a painful search, but it is one worth making. Make it yourself, and check back with me, okay?